Taking a break.

Its always easy to tell another person the things they needed to do to fix a problem. But in cases when you're the one who's been hurt, what is the best solution?

I saw a quote today, it says, "Moving on doesn't mean you forget about things. It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living" - Unknown. I recall it's what I've been doing, move on, forget it. But there's never a closure. Though feelings are fleeting, once you remember the past, some feelings will also sting you back. You just wish you won't have an encounter with the person who hurt you because you're not entirely sure what you're going to do. Either you be angry and get back at him/her or act as if nothing has happened.  

I've been studying personality theories and I find it amusing that these feelings I have, I know it and aware of it. But I can't control it. I wanted to end this sadness, this hurt I'm feeling and I know just how. But I tend to keep it in. Let everyone know you're doing fine and keep the hurt only to yourself. No one empathizing, no one having a hint, no one caring. And this hurt, makes you feel...alone. 

I know it's shallow, it's petty. I know I'm too sensitive. I know I shouldn't give a damn. But why do I get affected too much? It's because its from a friend. And I can't find any good in what he did, in what he said...to me. Worst, having said a bad word, which he really meant. I've been in other fights, but this one will be the determinant why I have to quit something I love. Why? Because I want to cut an important thing that connects me to him. 

I'm not the kind of person who says bad things to others; I'm the kind who tells them what they have done wrong and give them hints of what they need to do to be better. Probably, I have expected everyone to be like this, like me. And that I have failed his expectation and so he pushed me down. And I let him; because he affected me so much. But now, it's time to move on. He's not part of my everyday life and I can live normally without him. But I just feel sad because I lost someone, someone who used to be a friend. 

Why not confront him? Why not tell him what he have done wrong to you and what you felt about it? 

I cant. Because I'm afraid of what may happen. I don't even know if he realize that his words hurt me or maybe he knows and he don't give a damn. He is my friend and I never really know if it was reciprocal. If I have talk to him about this feeling, there's the fear, there's my fear, of the consequences. I may be ignored, laughed at or even worst things could happen.

 Have you thought of the good things that may happen if you do so? Why not take a risk?

What's the good in it? That he say sorry? I already have forgiven him for what he did. If he acknowledged my hurt, that's good but there's something already broken. And it's not something you can stitch to make it whole again. What he did, I can't picture him saying it, to me at the very least. But it happened, and I'm just so disappointed. 

Have you acknowledged the fact that he wouldn't have done that if you...?

Yes, I have thought about that. I'm sorry I was not the best. I'm sorry I couldn't live up to his expectations. I'm sorry I wasn't even better than anyone. But he could have said something else. 

He was angry that time right?

Yeah, I know people have different ways of coping from the anxiety. His was venting out, on me. I forgive him though. Partly because I know it was me who triggered it. And I wouldn't fight back with anger, I couldn't even be angry that time. I was torn. Instead, I said my sorry. 

What are you planning to do now?

Move on. Just like what I have been doing. Accept that things may never be the way before. And just live my everyday life. The real life.