We all learn from experience.

It's the first time that I accepted a person in my life, to date with. It was fun; I felt happy yet afraid. 

Everything went so fast. I remember I decided to turn him down a couple of days when it started since all he talked about was himself, but I confronted him about it and that's how our conversation changed. 

I started to like him; I found myself enjoying talking to him, feeling kilig and finding him funny, smart, and good-looking too. Even all his flaws don't seem to matter, including the red flags. I was aware of all the negative traits he has and know that this may not end well. But I went to continue it anyway. 

I was putting myself vulnerable but I know that he did too. I felt he was true by sharing his past experiences and stories about his family, school, friends, and daily life. That openness is something hard for me to do and I admire him for that, for trusting me. I also liked how determined he was on getting hired; he knows what he wants and goes for it. He has a very positive outlook on life, and I find it attractive.

Having him around made me happy. I like how he made me feel whenever he chooses to talk to me and ends the day with me. (Oh how I miss the long hours of phone calls and his loud snore). But I am also afraid, knowing that we are doing what couples do and yet, we are not officially one. Feelings of insecurity surfaced within me, I didn't imagine how low my self-image was. I was feeling negative about myself that I tend to be hypersensitive to almost anything. I'm not blaming myself for how it ended but I know where my fault is. 

I was waiting for him to reach out, call and find out why I am acting indifferent. But he didn't...even when without him asking, I sent a message of my reasons and how I felt. He was cold and my feelings were still not acknowledged. He was still self-focused. It hurts me that he refused to care for me. 

Effort reflects interest. It slide to me that perhaps he was only spending his extra time with me because he likes the idea that at the end of the day there is someone waiting for him or that he was only bored and I am easily available. Or maybe things just changed. It hurts to think that the former is true.

I don't know why I felt like I was played. Was I too naive? But I know I saved myself from a deeper heartache. My self-worth's low right now but I do not regret that this happened. I am learning about myself, what I want for a partner, and how I needed to face my insecurities and improve my self-image. 

From this experience, I grow.