Are you Happy Now?
Its been a long time and I would've forgotten about this blog forever! And I'm happy I remembered it through a voice conversation in Discord!
Reading through the posts in this journal got me so nostalgic and made me want to write.
I know that in my heart, that years 2012-2016 were the toughest by far. Graduating from College to getting employed to changing careers and passing the board exam - these "normal" path was difficult to deal with and happening at the same time was my battle of addiction to that certain online game and the recurring feelings for someone; all these took a toll in my Mental Health. And the worst part, I couldn't force myself to seek help professionally because I was thinking that I studied Psychology and therefore, I must first try all the techniques and self-help that I can. It was harder because there are times I want to talk to my friends but I refrain from doing so because I don't want them to feel that I am too much. I prayed, I write, I tried to keep myself busy and eventually, I recovered.
I'm not fully okay all the time, my mood just became manageable and I learned coping strategies to help myself. I can say I started feeling better when I went hiking and Yohan was the key person to that; she opened me to this new interest. We went on day and overnight hikes and in those times I meet new people. Through that new people, I get invited again to trips and meet another group. The culture is overwhelming with positivity; people are polite, thoughtful and caring for one another; and its not just your group, its almost everyone that you meet while hiking in the mountain. Another thing I loved is the feeling of peace as if I am one with nature. I find it hard to express and elaborate more but its always nice to reach the top of the mountain and spend time meditating - being thankful of everything especially with the amazing views.
From there, I became adventurous. Just thinking about my trips gets me ecstatic. I couldn't even count how many mountains I hiked and how many waterfalls I trekked. It eventually leveled up to flying. Planning about the my travels from booking the flights, hotels and tours was supposed to be hard because I am on a tight budget but I was enjoying every moment of the search for the good catch.
Are you happy now? Yes but not entirely.
I am better. I no longer have depressive episodes and sleeping became a lot easier. And I'm happy and thankful I am able realize this today. There's countless of times I said "Ayoko na." But now, I am happy to help in our family business and I feel needed - that I have a purpose at this time.
I know there may be changes in my emotions and mental capacity. I'm not sure if this changes are positive but I know I'm not sad though I feel that I regressed a bit. I became more irritable and forgetful; its as if all those memories I had in the past were deleted even the things I learned in school and work! Its quite scary because I cannot remember some and I don't know if its just because I'm getting older or is this an effect of that tough times - repressing the memories that I feel was painful and unimportant - a defense mechanism.
I'm not entirely happy nor feel complete but I am hopeful.
Reading through the posts in this journal got me so nostalgic and made me want to write.
I know that in my heart, that years 2012-2016 were the toughest by far. Graduating from College to getting employed to changing careers and passing the board exam - these "normal" path was difficult to deal with and happening at the same time was my battle of addiction to that certain online game and the recurring feelings for someone; all these took a toll in my Mental Health. And the worst part, I couldn't force myself to seek help professionally because I was thinking that I studied Psychology and therefore, I must first try all the techniques and self-help that I can. It was harder because there are times I want to talk to my friends but I refrain from doing so because I don't want them to feel that I am too much. I prayed, I write, I tried to keep myself busy and eventually, I recovered.
I'm not fully okay all the time, my mood just became manageable and I learned coping strategies to help myself. I can say I started feeling better when I went hiking and Yohan was the key person to that; she opened me to this new interest. We went on day and overnight hikes and in those times I meet new people. Through that new people, I get invited again to trips and meet another group. The culture is overwhelming with positivity; people are polite, thoughtful and caring for one another; and its not just your group, its almost everyone that you meet while hiking in the mountain. Another thing I loved is the feeling of peace as if I am one with nature. I find it hard to express and elaborate more but its always nice to reach the top of the mountain and spend time meditating - being thankful of everything especially with the amazing views.
From there, I became adventurous. Just thinking about my trips gets me ecstatic. I couldn't even count how many mountains I hiked and how many waterfalls I trekked. It eventually leveled up to flying. Planning about the my travels from booking the flights, hotels and tours was supposed to be hard because I am on a tight budget but I was enjoying every moment of the search for the good catch.
Are you happy now? Yes but not entirely.
I am better. I no longer have depressive episodes and sleeping became a lot easier. And I'm happy and thankful I am able realize this today. There's countless of times I said "Ayoko na." But now, I am happy to help in our family business and I feel needed - that I have a purpose at this time.
I know there may be changes in my emotions and mental capacity. I'm not sure if this changes are positive but I know I'm not sad though I feel that I regressed a bit. I became more irritable and forgetful; its as if all those memories I had in the past were deleted even the things I learned in school and work! Its quite scary because I cannot remember some and I don't know if its just because I'm getting older or is this an effect of that tough times - repressing the memories that I feel was painful and unimportant - a defense mechanism.
I'm not entirely happy nor feel complete but I am hopeful.
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